A Reading from the Book of Irony (#2)

The prophet Herschel was out walking one day when his disciples came to him. "Oh great Herschel, we are concerned. The men who write newspaper columns have been saying you are full of shit."

Herschel replied, "Perhaps, but at first I was full of rich bread and fine cheese. Would it be better if I were a man of no substance whatsoever?"

This passage is among the more controversial attributed to the prophet Herschel. For one, the Herschel-as-Urdu scholars insist that "newspaper columns" should have been translated instead as "clay tablets", and that this would make things infinitely clearer. Other scholars contend that this would help not a jot.

Church leaders in general have been fairly ambivalent about the passage, which implies that all earthly wisdom is subject to gradual decay and putrefaction. In consequence, prominent officials have begun to speculate whether the prophet Herschel was not, in fact, a member of the church of irony at all, and have suggested that perhaps he slipped into the volume by way of a clever bit of copy-editing.

With regards to this, it should be noted that one of the prophet Herschel's few recorded prophecies was his prediction that the church would gradually disown all its prophets. Third-party theologians have gleefully observed that Herschel has got the church in a real pickle with that one.

A Reading from the Book of Irony

A wise man once came to the prophet Herschel and said, "O Herschel, the men who mumble in the bus station say you are a great thinker. What is the meaning of the life of the spirit?"

The prophet replied, "One thousand years in the barrel of a gun."

The man thought a while. "Anticipation, yes, but everything depends on the condition of the gun."

Said the prophet, "Yes, but everything also depends on the one who pulls the trigger."

The man went away unsatisfied, but later the prophet Herschel received a lucrative television contract.

Church scholars remain divided on the provenance of this passage. Some date it as far back as the first century BC, blaming the obvious anachronisms on an overly loose translation from the original Urdu. This original has not yet been located, but the style, they claim, is distinctly Urdu. A majority of scholars, however, conclude that the passage was adapted from writings in a bathroom stall in a Milwaukee bus terminal, presumably placed there by the prophet himself, and was incorporated into the canonical Book of Irony sometime in late August of 1983.

The Church of Irony and Hipster Saints

Now, it has been going around that I am a proponent of the church of irony, which is to say I am a believer. This is, of course, untrue. I am merely its messiah* — a title which holds no formal standing in the church. The church being what it is, doctrine holds that I am a false prophet and full of lies. Though given how I am the primary source of information on church of irony practices and beliefs, I can see how there has been some confusion. The church is a preposterous thing and I do not take it seriously in a religious sense. You might say I am very serious about the idea of the church**, and its use for illustrative purposes. Then again, it would be entirely appropriate if I were more serious about it than I let on. The nature of the project dictates that the church's beliefs reflect mine in a partial or distorted way. Consider it a funhouse mirror for the soul — neither wholly honest nor dishonest.

* Christ, they say, was Jewish.^ One might hazard that the existence of an honest freelance messiah is actually a rather inconvenient thing for an extant church hierarchy. Though even more so, it seems difficult to state that Christ could have faith at all, given His unique perspective on the whole God question.

^ Not that I am comparing myself to Jesus... or, technically I am, but not on any important level.

** But not so serious as to capitalize it. Consider this also my jab at Capitalized Concepts in general.

You could shave by means of such a mirror, if you had to, but only if you knew how it was bent. To know this, you must recognize your own face by its distorted image. It has been said that the church of irony is self-referential, and this is its downfall. Perhaps, but the whole history of philosophy is marked by self-recognition ("Know thyself" may ring a bell). And in a funhouse mirror, one may by chance percieve some features more clearly.*** To put it another way, absurdity necessarily contains some understanding of truth, or else it could not be recognized as absurdity.

*** Some features, in order of likelihood: the nose, the abdomen, and the sense of perpetual outrage.

[Absurd Digression]
By example: if I know that I am headed west, this is implicitly knowledge that I am not moving east. If I wish to head east, I need simply turn around. The truth/absurdity problem is presumably not be as easily resolved, though. Suppose I intend to scale Mt. Taranaki. It may be that I know with certainty that I am not at the top of Mt. Taranaki. Implicitly, I recognize some aspect of my current situation as inconsistent with my knowledge of Mt. Taranaki. Still, it cannot be overstated how difficult it is to reach the summit of Mt. Taranaki purely by empirical observation.

An illustration:

	vs.
Mt. Taranaki		Not Mt. Taranaki
	vs.
Also not Mt. Taranaki		Mt. Taranaki in Disguise

But what if, in my certainty, I turn out to be mistaken, and I actually am currently atop Mt. Taranaki? Well, I may be mistaken. I can always be mistaken. Possibly Mt. Taranaki has been socially constructed — which does not fully answer the question, either. I may tell you that a certain bridge has been constructed out of stone, but this will not enable you to build a new bridge. I may also tell you that the bridge was put in place by dropping it, all at once, from a very great height — but it is likely that I am mistaken. The problem of being mistaken is one of the things the church may yet manage to illuminate*. In the meantime, the author presently agitates for a more widespread understanding of statistics and probability.

(More clever skeptics may suggest that if, instead of Mt. Taranaki, I use Olympus Mons or Mount Doom, to illustrate that truth may be inaccesible or fictional, respectively, the analogy changes. It does! Interesting cases, both. But anyway...)

* More likely, a church representative will mistakenly arrive atop Mt. Taranaki, but believe he has scaled an undiscovered peak. Noting the excellent view and striking resemblance to Mt. Taranaki, he will found the Our Lady of Mt. New Taranaki Church, Daycare Center, and Wholesale Liquors.
[End Absurd Digression]

It may be helpful to elucidate some of the church's early and arguably core tenets. The church of irony was founded upon the proposal that the inherent purpose of the universe is to maximize the total amount of irony in the universe. Naturally, this requires that the universe contains beings capable of observing irony. By extension, it requires that these beings be capable of suffering, and for full measure that they be capable of suffering as a result of the observation of irony. This is a religious understanding; it is not falsifiable. With regards to scientific understanding, the church is wholly in favor of sincere scientific inquiry, on the premise that it would be ripping good fun if, in the distant future, at the very culmination of human civilization, earnest scientists discovered that the laws of physics were in fact a hoax all along. At this point, the laws of physics must arbitrarily change, and presumably the universe as we know it is destroyed.**** The church is very much in line with those Protestants who claim that dinosaur bones are a hoax, perpetrated by God and/or the Devil. Nonetheless the church also wishes they would shut up about it.

**** Or delicious chocolate ice cream rains from the sky; it's quite impossible to say. Be warned that, potentially, the ice cream is also an intelligent being capable of suffering.

Readers of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy will note the similarity of the church's stance to this passage:

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.

There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

Both theories are entirely in the spirit of the church, and the church is most likely (though it prefers not to admit it) in the spirit of the Guide. Perhaps it will reassure my concerned friends that the church of irony is a religion undertaken with an attitude of humorous science fiction, rather than humorous science fiction undertaken with an attitude of religion***** (which is to say, the Church of Scientology).

***** One breakaway sect of the church believes that verbal expressions have their own physical force, and that rhetorical reversals (such as the above) serve to drive a great piston engine that turns the clock of the universe and creates the sensation of time. This is of course impossible, but has led to extensive speculation as to what, precisely, it was that the Watchmaker said to the watch. The most popular candidate is currently, "It's about time!"

'09 was a fine time to rhyme lines

So it's 2010, and Pat already has the honor of the first post, but I thought I'd throw in a couple pennies regarding the music of the past year. In the realm of Hip-Hop, there are albums and there are mixtapes. To sum up recent history, the latter has long been littered with second-tier material, but as the game changes, and as independent artists work to establish fan-bases without waiting for music labels to grow enough cohenes to press an LP for them, the mixtape is experiencing an evolution. We're now seeing tapes with extremely high production value and some truly stellar rapping being handed to the fans without charge. So I present to you the top 10 (officially-sanctioned-by-the-artist) mixtapes of 2009.

10. Back On My Buck Shit - Young Buck

Stayin alive. Buck comes through with a solid effort. He stays on-point with his beat selection and delivers what he does best--eloquent tough talk.

9. Cold War Series - Gucci Mane

So this is actually three mixtapes. Gucci's push to fame has been fueled on the Wayne philosophy of heavy saturation. It's largely worked. The main thing holding him back in my mind is the lack of charisma in his delivery. Sure he's got a cool-sounding voice, but his intonation becomes repetitive; and sometimes it sounds like he's downright mumbling. He is improving lyrically, however, and his album wasn't half bad. Gucci sets the standard for trunk bangers.

8. How Fly - Currency & Wiz Khalifa

I would normally classify these two lost souls as B-grade artists never destined to truly blow, but to their credit, they've put together something special here. Their voices compliment one another, and I find Khalifa interesting for the similarities his delivery shares with Wale's. I feel like their way of flowing is distinct and generationally unique. Listen to to The Planes.

7. Trappin Ain't Dead - Young Jeezy

The No DJ version of this banger didn't stay around the internet for long, though you should be able to find a torrent somewhere. What legal failed to care about is that the bleeding idiot DJ (u suck Folk) who mixed this thing with drops apparently thought it would be a good idea to run the songs through a tin can. What true audio shows is Jeezy at his best. So many homophones, you'll jump for joy. Here's to actually getting better with age.

6. Kool-aid, Kush, & Convertibles - Rich Boy

Rich Boy can still put together great tapes. This drawl fest has a cohesive sound to its stellar instrumentals, which, aside from being great summertime music, also shows the emergence of Supavillian as a nice cat behind those boards. It's great in a trunk, but I recommend tracking down the No DJ version first.

5. Back To The Feature - Wale

Alarming Folarin disarms with his charming vernacular. Bears up to repeated listenings well. There's a lot to unpack here. I only wish there were fewer features..

4. midwestganstaboxframecadiallacmusic - Freddie Gibbs

It's been a big year for Fred. Three mixtapes in '09. This baby here grabbed a lot of people's attention. gangsta gibbs should be able to count on a big payoff in the near future.

3. B.o.B. vs Bobby Ray - B.o.B

When I first downloaded this, I wasn't even sure I'd listen to the whole thing. After all, wasn't this guy just a Drake to T.I.'s Wayne? And wasn't it half singing? The playcount on this sucker wound up being through the roof. For one thing, the rap production--done almost exclusively by a chap named Fury--was revelatory. Excellent sampling of Three Dog Night, Curtis Mayfield, and The Soggy Bottom boys, along with others, make for some fuckin catchy tunes. The singing side was solid, as well. It's hard to place the genre, but there's a certain purity to it. Just Bob and his instruments.

-Download B.o.B vs Bobby Ray-

2. No Ceilings - Lil Wayne

Still the reigning heavyweight champion. The singing is over. The beats have been eaten.

1. So Far Gone - Drake

So Drake gets his name in the record books for this one. So Far Gone's incredible commercial success came from the humble beginnings of a free-released independent mixtape. A success story so timely that it doesn't even matter what's really on the tape anymore. It is good stuff though. Great production, great guest spots, great songs for the ladies. Drake's precocious introspects are fun to listen to

The Book of Irony: An Introduction

The following is a rough guide to the holy text of the church of irony, sensibly called The Book of Irony, or sometimes Pilgrim's Pirouette. It is called many other things that will not be printed here today. Among the church's faithful it is widely considered to be outmoded, historically inaccurate, self-contradictory, and morally ambiguous -- in short, it is a flawless guide for modern living. It contains, among other things:

• Opening aphorism: "One does not carry sand into the desert, nor coal to Newcastle. The sick man shall go to the hospital and the heavy man to the gymnasium. Why then do you go about blessing the blessed?"
• Retroactive subway system proposals for ancient Sumer and Babylon.
• Apologia for the existence of the preceding, founded upon comparative underworld mythologies.
• A brief primer on the concept of anagnorisis, on which someone has drawn a spoon.
• Pencil sketches of street performers.
• Headlines from the Washington Times and New York Post, painstaking cut & rearranged into headlines from the New York Times and Washington Post.
• An extensive refutation of the previous item, with a convincing argument for the reverse.
• A crossword puzzle, in which every clue has been replaced with the phrase "SUCK IT."
• A set of traditional Zen koans, each with the exclamation "How ironic!" tacked on at the end.
• A chapter of self-referential parables, including "Consider the Mandelbrot Set".
• The final section is a series of blank pages with the heading "Beatitudes". It has been left as an exercise for the reader.
• In this section, on the last page, there is a handwritten Post-It note with the suggestion, "Blessed are the wicked."
• On the inside back cover, an order form for other religious texts from the same publisher. Among them
  • Putting the You Back in J-you-daism!
  • Zen and the Art of Religious Posturing
  • Mormon-y, More Problems
• The back cover itself is, out of a somewhat belated sense of shame, disguised as the Audubon Society Guide to the Birds of North America.