The Church of Irony's Seven Deadliest Sins 2009

In accordance with the provisional nature of truth, or perhaps due to a profound misunderstanding of the nature of sin*, the church of irony releases an annual list of what it deems to be the seven deadliest sins. The perennial favorite, taking the top spot in the 68 of the the past 97 years, has been "genocide,"** though in recent years "drunk driving" has also been a strong contender. Still, the criteria used are complex and multi-dimensional, which has led to such surprises as the 1948 victory for "talking in the theater", as well as a strong #3 finish for "mid-air adultery" in 1997. Less surprisingly, "Vodka shots on the job" jumped to the top of the list in 1986.

The theological implications of this list are somewhat sparse. The church faithful*** are cautioned to avoid sin, unless it will make for an interesting story later on. In so far as many of the top contenders have become clichéd, the church encourages turnover in the list (which is to say, the faithful are encouraged to sin originally). The official church teaching on sin is that there is no such thing as sin, which makes the whole affair somewhat perplexing.

Nonetheless, this year's list has been made available, for the benefit of all those who are both sinners and not yet dead.

7. Bear-baiting

6. Groundwater contamination

5. Auto-erotic asphyxiation ****

4. Fighting a land war in Asia

3. Presidential slash-fiction

2. Genocide

1. Hubris

In related news, the award for "Best Sin in a Cable Documentary" goes to Jersey Shore.

* The church holds that misunderstanding is the most profound form of understanding.

** There has been much debate whether the church's related "Seven Deadliest Sinners" list should be based on amortized rates, proportion of population, or raw totals.

*** This term is not strictly accurate.

**** Be aware that the church often blurs the line between "sin" and "clearly not a good idea."

The Church of Irony and the Afterlife

The church of irony has no firm notions regarding the afterlife, save that only atheists will go to Heaven.* All others, it is proposed, will be subjected to a Hell of their own choosing. This is sometimes referred to as the miracle of irrational preferences.

Other factions within the church argue that this world is the afterlife. The meta-spectralites, for example, hold that most (but not all) people are ghosts, and on occasion will gather for an inverse seance to determine which among them are the living. Another sect maintains that this world is intended to be something called "The Hell of Small Objects," and that therefore the prosperity of the NBA represents a grave miscarriage of cosmic intent.** There is a firm consensus in the church that most things are grave miscarriages of cosmic intent. Another offshoot sect, the pan-sepulchralists, merely believe that most things are graves.*** The pan-sepulchralists, though, have nearly died out, owing to their rather strict commandments regarding the desecration of burial grounds.

* In the words of the prophet Herschel, "Heaven is full of awkward conversations."

** Their proposal is that the vast majority of us exist only to facilitate the continued discomfort and awkwardness of a few very tall individuals by, e.g. contructing low doorframes and designing airline seats with minimal leg room. The popularity of physical spectacle, however, has allowed many of these individuals to circumvent or at least compensate for such annoyances.

*** In the sense that for most locations on the planet, it is overwhelmingly likely that something has died there, this is literally true. The pan-sepulchralists, however, hold that memorial need not be bound by the limits of memory.