It will come as no surprise that many chapters of the Book of Irony are apocryphal, especially those sections involving the Prophet Herschel, who has long been a subject of unease among church leaders. Unfortunately for them, Herschel has proven to be almost as popular among editors as the church has been lax in its record-keeping.
This carelessness[1] has frustrated later scholars to no end. Recently, it has come to light that several chapters, popularly attributed to Herschel, have never had their authorship formally questioned except in other disputed sections of the text, and are as such only apocryphally apocryphal.
While the aforementioned chapters are suspected of being dubious, prominent scholars remain doubtful as to whether these suspicions may be confirmed. Furthermore, past investigations have tended to increase the popularity of the chapters under scrutiny. These have been classified as “abundantly apocryphal.” Indeed, many of Herschel’s most famous quotations fall into this category, including such standbys as, “Let him who is without stones cast the first stone.” [3]
The most challenging field for aspiring Herschologists, however, is that of hypothetical apocrypha. Along with the many chapters that have deftly sidled their way into the Book of Irony over time, a great many have trickled out, especially during periods of elevated paper prices. Among these are the mythical Lost Books of Irony, the somewhat less mythical and somewhat rattier Discarded Books of Irony, and the Books of Irony That Aren’t Being Used Right Now But They’ve Been Put in a Box in Case We Need Them Later. None of these should be confused with the Book of Irony’s hastily assembled sequel, Bookin’ II: Eclectic Guru-Fu. [4]
In any case, there is no comprehensive record of Herschel’s writings. As such, it is not known with any certainty which of Herschel’s works have appeared in the Book of Irony, and of those that have, which were actually authored by Herschel, and of those works which may or may not have appeared in the Book as written by Herschel, which may or may not have been changed so drastically over time as to be unrecognizable to a reader of the original, should such an original have existed, presuming that it was read. Many such works exist only as passing references in contemporary commentaries on the Book and on Herschel -- and some of these, it is suspected, were ghost-written by Herschel as a platform for taking the piss. [5]
The most famous of these obscure texts is Herschel’s 101 Elementary Modes of Betrayal. First (presumably) published sometime in the late Cenozoic era, it has been a subject of controversy ever since (and possibly before). Much of the contemporary analysis disputes the composition of the list, but it is unclear whether it was intended to be exhaustive. In his letters, Pliny the Younger[6] proposes that the 102nd mode of betrayal consists of “implicitly obscuring the existence of the 102nd mode of betrayal, so as to spring it upon one’s friends unawares.” Pliny the Elder, though also critical of Herschel’s work, refers to this notion as “bull-pucky.”
There is no clear indication as to the structure of the work, though several contemporaries snidely suggest that it is a “how-to” book.
[1] Many years, the church has elected to redirect its entire archival budget into the purchase of new vestments, based on “considerations of the ephemeral nature of truth.” [2]
[3] The church is divided on the exact significance of this statement, which makes it all the more versatile in conversation. It has been interpreted variously: as a paradoxical injunction against stoning; as an advisement that all executioners should be eunuchs; and as a paradoxical statement in favor of stoning, but only if one does so with restraint (i.e., if one initially has only a single stone, one may cast that stone and consequently be without stones, but the stockpiling of stones is considered a sign of bad faith). It is sometimes also seen as supporting another famous Herschel-ism: “To whom little is given, from him much will be taken away.”
[4] Released in 1977, it was promptly recaptured and returned to the solitary confinement wing of the National Archives.
[5] Piss-taking platforms were popular in Central Europe for much of the 17th century, but were ultimately abandoned as a threat to public health.
[6] This is by far the most difficult challenge for scholars believing Herschel to be from modern Milwaukee. Conversely, Herschel’s (alleged) response to Pliny the Younger was recently discovered in a spiral-ring notebook dated to 1988. The notebook itself was found in the innermost chamber of an Olmec burial site in the Yucatan, and was written in, according to forensic analysis, with a quill pen from the extinct Tahitian Sandpiper. At the time of this writing, all the leading theories on the Pliny-Herschel dialogue include both fraud and time travel.
[2] At least, in so far as one may trust the budgetary records, which have been historically dubious and serve chiefly as a conspicuously precise testament of the low wages paid to the church’s accountants.
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